So right now, I want to talk about desire. Quite a broad topic, I know. But a series of recent circumstances have got me think about why humans want the things they want, and how to deal with the problems which arise from that wanting. For now, specifically regarding romantic relationships; though I do want to explore the other types of desire via blog ASAP.
So. Romantic desire. Where does one even begin?
The first thing to consider, obviously, is that pretty much everyone wants romance. In some way shape or form, at at least one time in our lives, we find ourselves longing for a relationship based on mutual romantic desire. And as I explored in this post, this isn't necessarily a rational way to view the whole love thing.
What is it about romance that intrigues and excites us more than family, platonic friendship, or mentor/student relationships? Is it just a result of societal conditioning, or is it a part of innate human nature? I'm inclined to think it is the product of the latter being accelerated and disproportionately emphasised by the former.
Obviously, there's the whole reproduction thing to consider. We are, undeniably, genetically driven to desire sex (theoretically, so that we can produce young). But it's more than sex that most of us want. More often, the desire is based around having someone there to call your own, and sex is secondary. It can be argued that this is just a subliminated version of the sex drive; but I think that's too simplistic.
I think the desire to have a boyfriend/girlfriend is often based around security and self-assurance. We feel that if someone wants us, we are worth more as individuals. Being wanted is not something that can be provided by any other kind of relationship. There's also the feeling of needing someone to be unconditionally on your side when facing the world; which for some reason, perhaps because of that darn thing we call society, we see as most likely to come from romance.
(I'm not reducing all romantic relationships to these wants, not by a long shot. I just think these are the reasons that we obsess over the abstract concept of romance, rather than focusing on how we feel about specific individuals.)
So, onto the other side of the coin. What drives our less helpful desires towards specific people?
One major problem that has been recognised by philosophers, psychologists and casual observers alike is that we always seem to desire those who are unattainable. Either you are in a relationship and develop a "crush on the side", or you start to fancy a married woman, or you obsess over the local nun, or, if you're me, you fall routinely and unfailingly for the stubbornly heterosexual.
It's difficult to fathom the psychology behind this; particularly as it is unhelpful to us in every possible way. But I shall give it a go. For I am unwaveringly adventurous like that.
I think it has something to do with subconsciously wanting to set ourselves high targets, to test ourselves to see how good we are at this whole life thing. It's said (on Doctor Who, and presumably by other people) that the reason we feel excitement in mildly dangerous situations is that our body is testing us to see how well we can cope, how far we can reach. Perhaps the moment we think "oh well, s/he's not available", that triggers the instinct which wants to challenge every difficulty, and that makes it so hard not to think about that person.
That's about all I'm going to write at this moment in time. But I will say this: we may have very little control over how we feel inside, but we always have a choice over how we act. When you hear someone say "oh, I couldn't help it," you invariably know they're talking rubbish. This applies to us, too.
Whenever you find yourself in a situation where you are obsessing unhealthily over either romance as a concept, or your romantic feelings for someone who you know will not repriocate them, you have the choice to deal with that situation as you see fit. You can choose to continue obsessing, or you can choose to put yourself in a place where the desire is marginalised, and work as hard as possible to get over your unhelpful wants. If you do choose to try and get rid of your feelings, than it often does work.
Hopefully you will see that as friendly advice rather than self-righteous preaching...
Anyway. Happy websurfing!
So. Romantic desire. Where does one even begin?
The first thing to consider, obviously, is that pretty much everyone wants romance. In some way shape or form, at at least one time in our lives, we find ourselves longing for a relationship based on mutual romantic desire. And as I explored in this post, this isn't necessarily a rational way to view the whole love thing.
What is it about romance that intrigues and excites us more than family, platonic friendship, or mentor/student relationships? Is it just a result of societal conditioning, or is it a part of innate human nature? I'm inclined to think it is the product of the latter being accelerated and disproportionately emphasised by the former.
Obviously, there's the whole reproduction thing to consider. We are, undeniably, genetically driven to desire sex (theoretically, so that we can produce young). But it's more than sex that most of us want. More often, the desire is based around having someone there to call your own, and sex is secondary. It can be argued that this is just a subliminated version of the sex drive; but I think that's too simplistic.
I think the desire to have a boyfriend/girlfriend is often based around security and self-assurance. We feel that if someone wants us, we are worth more as individuals. Being wanted is not something that can be provided by any other kind of relationship. There's also the feeling of needing someone to be unconditionally on your side when facing the world; which for some reason, perhaps because of that darn thing we call society, we see as most likely to come from romance.
(I'm not reducing all romantic relationships to these wants, not by a long shot. I just think these are the reasons that we obsess over the abstract concept of romance, rather than focusing on how we feel about specific individuals.)
So, onto the other side of the coin. What drives our less helpful desires towards specific people?
One major problem that has been recognised by philosophers, psychologists and casual observers alike is that we always seem to desire those who are unattainable. Either you are in a relationship and develop a "crush on the side", or you start to fancy a married woman, or you obsess over the local nun, or, if you're me, you fall routinely and unfailingly for the stubbornly heterosexual.
It's difficult to fathom the psychology behind this; particularly as it is unhelpful to us in every possible way. But I shall give it a go. For I am unwaveringly adventurous like that.
I think it has something to do with subconsciously wanting to set ourselves high targets, to test ourselves to see how good we are at this whole life thing. It's said (on Doctor Who, and presumably by other people) that the reason we feel excitement in mildly dangerous situations is that our body is testing us to see how well we can cope, how far we can reach. Perhaps the moment we think "oh well, s/he's not available", that triggers the instinct which wants to challenge every difficulty, and that makes it so hard not to think about that person.
That's about all I'm going to write at this moment in time. But I will say this: we may have very little control over how we feel inside, but we always have a choice over how we act. When you hear someone say "oh, I couldn't help it," you invariably know they're talking rubbish. This applies to us, too.
Whenever you find yourself in a situation where you are obsessing unhealthily over either romance as a concept, or your romantic feelings for someone who you know will not repriocate them, you have the choice to deal with that situation as you see fit. You can choose to continue obsessing, or you can choose to put yourself in a place where the desire is marginalised, and work as hard as possible to get over your unhelpful wants. If you do choose to try and get rid of your feelings, than it often does work.
Hopefully you will see that as friendly advice rather than self-righteous preaching...
Anyway. Happy websurfing!
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