So here's a fun fact: I used to cut myself. I realise this isn't that uncommon a trait, and please don't think the point of this blog is wean sympathy from anyone. But really, the relative not-uncommonness of self harm is kind of the point. I think one of the best approaches to mental health involves sufferers and ex-sufferers sharing their testimonials, to show solidarity with those in the same place as them, and to gently erode the taboo which surrounds depression. So here goes.
I've spent most of living memory battling the great shape-shifting demon of depression and self hatred. This is a problem that has taken various forms throughout my life, and my flirtation with self harm was sort of the grand finale of this saga, before I finally got professional help. Previous coping tactics included constant anger at everything. co-dependency, and maniacal arrogance, and there were periods where I didn't bother to cope at all, and just let myself despair. The underlying problem (as far as me and my counselor have been able to work out) was the deep-rooted belief that I was not only worthless, but an active force for destruction, and exclusively capable of having a negative effect on everyone around me.
So self-harm, for most the summer of 2011, was the method by which I channeled and coped with this state of mind. I wasn't even trying to punish myself, at least not consciously. It just felt like a controlled way to exercise the destructive and hateful feelings I had towards myself, and often much of what was around me.
I am using the past tense for a good reason, I should add. My brain is currently a healthier place than it has ever been, and for perhaps the first time in living memory I am able to honestly say that I am not a force for evil. I have, as I put it to some of my friends after my last counseling session, been "given my sanity card". Not that my mental health is perfect: mental health rarely is. And not that depressed people are "insane" or "crazy" in the traditional, mostly derogatory use of the word. But for the first time in a ridiculous number of years, I can say that I am definitely not in some stage of some cycle of some symptom of depression, which is exhilarating.
So the first thing I want to discuss in depth is the motivation behind self-harm, because it's one of the most misunderstood human activities in the universe. Self-harm is not the same as attempted suicide. They are worlds apart. Often, cutting yourself seems like the only was to avoid ending your life. As I said: it's a channel, a way of alleviating (however temporarily) the dark state of mind you are forced to cope with every day. That's admittedly not true for everyone. But it's what was the case for me, and my sources inform me it is the most commonly cited explanation of what self-harm does for the self-harmer. The point is, cutting yourself does not mean you are suicidal. Suicidal thoughts and the thoughts which beget self-harm are two things which should be dealt with very differently; although neither of them is something anyone should be ashamed of.
That's my second point, actually. It does not help to shame those who cut themselves. The taboo which surrounds depression and all visible signs of it is is dangerous and damaging, and if you find that someone close to you is self-harming, you should always respond with compassion and an attempt to understand rather than scorn. I actually wrote another blog post about all this, but it needs reiterating with specific reference to self-harm. Many self-harmers never rid themselves of the shame; even now, "what happened to your arm?" and "where did those scars come from?" and their various forms are questions I dread being asked. If you self-harm, you do not need to feel ashamed about it. It's a coping mechanism in response to a terrible suffering, and even makes some kind of rational sense. It does not make you weak or ungrateful or selfish.
Although, and this is the third point, it's important to make clear the fact that self harm does not work. Not in the long term. Cutting yourself does provide some blessed relief from depression, but it won't last long (as I'm sure you know by now), and you will need to constantly repeat the action to keep your head clear for any sustained period of time. This is unhealthy. Not shameful, but unhealthy. I realise that this is the most unwelcome advice which is every given to anyone, but depression serious enough to cause you to hurt yourself needs professional help. If there is a way out of such a state of mind that can be achieved without the assistance of a counselor or therapist, then I have never heard of it.
I haven't actually finished my anecdote, vague as it is, so let me fill in the bit between when I was self-harming and when I started being counseled. Basically, my parents found out. Which sucked.
Two days after one of my more extreme sessions of self-harm, I was away in Brighton with my dad. I had been careful to wear long sleeves since that night, but we were sitting next to one another at the bus stop, and I unconsciously rolled up my left sleeve to scratch my elbow, and he saw my scars, and yeah. His reaction was one of sadness rather than anger, but I still found it really difficult to deal with. He later told my mum, and we had a few parent-son three-way discussions on the matter, which gradually progressed from awkward to constructive. And somewhere along the process, we agreed that I should get professional help: which to be honest, I had already decided for myself, but was unwilling to do anything about it (as is usually the way).
As much as this is stating the obvious: depression is just a really shitty thing to go through. Falling into, and extracting yourself from, the habit (or sometimes psychological addiction) of self harm is a particularly difficult battle in a much larger war. I think sometimes the carers and loved ones of self-harmers focus too much on the actual process of self-harm, without recognising that it is merely a symptom of a much more deep-rooted and damaging problem.You can't really blame them: the scars from self-harm are there and real and tangible, and the more subtle aspects of depression are buried deep in the murky depths of the human mind. But it's important to try and target the feelings behind self-harm rather than focusing on trying to break the habit itself, because the habit itself is distantly secondary.
Also, self-harm is something that physically scars you for life. The scars on a self-harmer's arm will never fully heal. It can often feel like a brand, an inescapable sign of some terrible weakness. In reality, they are battle scars, the last vestiges of a time of great suffering. Do not be ashamed that you have suffered. Don't necessarily be proud that you have self-harmed, but be proud that you came through the battle with depression alive, and whole, and relatively well.
Also, don't ever think that someone who self-harms is doing it for attention. That is almost never, ever the case, and if it is the case, then that person needs just as much help as all other sufferers of depression. The cutter = attention seeker myth is a destructive lie that has damaged the wellbeing of countless masses of your fellow humans. Do not ever proliferate it.
May those who self-harm be blessed with strength, love and guidance, and may those who deal with those who self-harm be blessed with compassion and the will to understand. And may we all be blessed with a future which better accommodates those who suffer.
I've spent most of living memory battling the great shape-shifting demon of depression and self hatred. This is a problem that has taken various forms throughout my life, and my flirtation with self harm was sort of the grand finale of this saga, before I finally got professional help. Previous coping tactics included constant anger at everything. co-dependency, and maniacal arrogance, and there were periods where I didn't bother to cope at all, and just let myself despair. The underlying problem (as far as me and my counselor have been able to work out) was the deep-rooted belief that I was not only worthless, but an active force for destruction, and exclusively capable of having a negative effect on everyone around me.
So self-harm, for most the summer of 2011, was the method by which I channeled and coped with this state of mind. I wasn't even trying to punish myself, at least not consciously. It just felt like a controlled way to exercise the destructive and hateful feelings I had towards myself, and often much of what was around me.
I am using the past tense for a good reason, I should add. My brain is currently a healthier place than it has ever been, and for perhaps the first time in living memory I am able to honestly say that I am not a force for evil. I have, as I put it to some of my friends after my last counseling session, been "given my sanity card". Not that my mental health is perfect: mental health rarely is. And not that depressed people are "insane" or "crazy" in the traditional, mostly derogatory use of the word. But for the first time in a ridiculous number of years, I can say that I am definitely not in some stage of some cycle of some symptom of depression, which is exhilarating.
So the first thing I want to discuss in depth is the motivation behind self-harm, because it's one of the most misunderstood human activities in the universe. Self-harm is not the same as attempted suicide. They are worlds apart. Often, cutting yourself seems like the only was to avoid ending your life. As I said: it's a channel, a way of alleviating (however temporarily) the dark state of mind you are forced to cope with every day. That's admittedly not true for everyone. But it's what was the case for me, and my sources inform me it is the most commonly cited explanation of what self-harm does for the self-harmer. The point is, cutting yourself does not mean you are suicidal. Suicidal thoughts and the thoughts which beget self-harm are two things which should be dealt with very differently; although neither of them is something anyone should be ashamed of.
That's my second point, actually. It does not help to shame those who cut themselves. The taboo which surrounds depression and all visible signs of it is is dangerous and damaging, and if you find that someone close to you is self-harming, you should always respond with compassion and an attempt to understand rather than scorn. I actually wrote another blog post about all this, but it needs reiterating with specific reference to self-harm. Many self-harmers never rid themselves of the shame; even now, "what happened to your arm?" and "where did those scars come from?" and their various forms are questions I dread being asked. If you self-harm, you do not need to feel ashamed about it. It's a coping mechanism in response to a terrible suffering, and even makes some kind of rational sense. It does not make you weak or ungrateful or selfish.
Although, and this is the third point, it's important to make clear the fact that self harm does not work. Not in the long term. Cutting yourself does provide some blessed relief from depression, but it won't last long (as I'm sure you know by now), and you will need to constantly repeat the action to keep your head clear for any sustained period of time. This is unhealthy. Not shameful, but unhealthy. I realise that this is the most unwelcome advice which is every given to anyone, but depression serious enough to cause you to hurt yourself needs professional help. If there is a way out of such a state of mind that can be achieved without the assistance of a counselor or therapist, then I have never heard of it.
I haven't actually finished my anecdote, vague as it is, so let me fill in the bit between when I was self-harming and when I started being counseled. Basically, my parents found out. Which sucked.
Two days after one of my more extreme sessions of self-harm, I was away in Brighton with my dad. I had been careful to wear long sleeves since that night, but we were sitting next to one another at the bus stop, and I unconsciously rolled up my left sleeve to scratch my elbow, and he saw my scars, and yeah. His reaction was one of sadness rather than anger, but I still found it really difficult to deal with. He later told my mum, and we had a few parent-son three-way discussions on the matter, which gradually progressed from awkward to constructive. And somewhere along the process, we agreed that I should get professional help: which to be honest, I had already decided for myself, but was unwilling to do anything about it (as is usually the way).
As much as this is stating the obvious: depression is just a really shitty thing to go through. Falling into, and extracting yourself from, the habit (or sometimes psychological addiction) of self harm is a particularly difficult battle in a much larger war. I think sometimes the carers and loved ones of self-harmers focus too much on the actual process of self-harm, without recognising that it is merely a symptom of a much more deep-rooted and damaging problem.You can't really blame them: the scars from self-harm are there and real and tangible, and the more subtle aspects of depression are buried deep in the murky depths of the human mind. But it's important to try and target the feelings behind self-harm rather than focusing on trying to break the habit itself, because the habit itself is distantly secondary.
Also, self-harm is something that physically scars you for life. The scars on a self-harmer's arm will never fully heal. It can often feel like a brand, an inescapable sign of some terrible weakness. In reality, they are battle scars, the last vestiges of a time of great suffering. Do not be ashamed that you have suffered. Don't necessarily be proud that you have self-harmed, but be proud that you came through the battle with depression alive, and whole, and relatively well.
Also, don't ever think that someone who self-harms is doing it for attention. That is almost never, ever the case, and if it is the case, then that person needs just as much help as all other sufferers of depression. The cutter = attention seeker myth is a destructive lie that has damaged the wellbeing of countless masses of your fellow humans. Do not ever proliferate it.
May those who self-harm be blessed with strength, love and guidance, and may those who deal with those who self-harm be blessed with compassion and the will to understand. And may we all be blessed with a future which better accommodates those who suffer.
A wonderful post. Thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteQuestion: if there wouldn't have been a knowledge in you of what self harming was, do you still think it would have happened? That may seem like a silly question. Let me put it another way:
Was this an instinctive reaction to the emotional pain you were dealing with, or a kind of "I heard about this in the media, let's see what happens" feeling?
Thanks very much. :)
ReplyDeleteI understand what you mean, and it doesn't seem silly. And to be honest, I'm not really sure.
The first time I cut was after a particularly intense moment of crazy, and what I can remember thinking that I needed to _do_ something to express how I felt about myself, and cutting myself was what came to mind. I don't know why that was the case, and it's perfectly possible that it wouldn't have occurred to me had I not already been aware that it was a thing which people did. But I wasn't consciously thinking about (other) self-harmers at the time, and I had never previously understood why people self-harmed. So make of that what you will!
(Also, I don't know how relevant this is, but it might be worth mentioning that my knowledge of self-harm had come from the stories of people I knew, not predominantly from the media.)